10. Fusionist
For those of you who don't know about Konami's many year struggle to convince people to use Fusion Monsters, this card is the epitome of why fusions just totally blow. You need at least two monsters, and one Polymerization spell card to summon just one Fusion Monster. That's three cards you're out for just one, so you'd better hope that that one card is a helluva good card. You'd also better hope that that fusion monster you just blew your hand on can make up for the loss. So we're talking at a minimum, a high enough attack to destroy commonly summoned monsters.
Does Fusionist have either of those qualities? No. Embarassingly no. In fact, Fusionist is so weak, he is actually shittier than almost any common level three monster, let alone non-effect monsters. Instead of demolishing your hand, you'd be better off just summoning the head of Exodia.
9. Firebird
Firebird is one of those cards you pull out of a booster and just look at. Look at, and think why? Why would a multimillion dollar company design a card so terrible? It just doesn't make any sense. First off, Firebird gets an attack boost. Okay, well looking at it's base attack, it's safe to say that it's going to need at least one boost to have a decent chance of killing anything. But what's this? My Winged-Beast monsters must be destroyed first? Que Little Jon's "WHOAT!?" Right out of the gate, you can see where this is going. Obviously your opponent isn't going to attack another of your monsters just to get this little fucker up to 1500. No. They're just going to attack it. And it's going to be destroyed. And no, Jimmy. It won't get an attack boost in the bowels of hell as it burns it's last flame. Fuck you.
Even a strapping young duelist wanting to take the initiative is going to have to ram his own men into a suicidal jihad during his own turn to make Firebird strong enough to kill anything. This is even worse than terrorism, because at least then you only need 1 bomber to die to deal over 2000 damage to infidels.
8. Gate Guardian/Great Moth
When people ask me about my atheism, they often assume that I arrived at that position because of logical arguments, personal experience, or just plain rebellion. The answer is much simpler than that, actually. Gate Guardian exists. Therefore, God does not exist. It's that easy. No god would create living, thinking creatures in his own image who would also create a card so impossible to summon with such a little reward. No, my children. No.
Summoning Gate Guardian requires three level seven or higher monsters, which themselves require two tributes. With only one monster able to be normal summoned per turn, it's going to take you a total of nine turns of completely un-interrupted summoning to summon Gate Guardian from your hand. That's nine turns of no Bottomless Trap Hole, Torrential Tribute, Dimensional Prison, Dark Hole, Fissure, Smashing Ground, attacks, etc. A monster is lucky enough to last one turn in a typical game, let alone the two or three it's going to take to be tributed.
And let's say you take a shortcut and just special summon Sanga, Kazejin, and Suijin. The easiest ways would be Star Blast or Mausoleum of the Emperor. And since you need all three at once, you're going to have to sit through many turns of useless hands until you draw the right combination. Even then, you'll have no hand or field left. Just one big, fat, juicy mistake. Oh, and for PUGM: just read the effect. Then look at the cards mentioned. It's just turrble.
7. Darkness Approaches
What the hell does this card even DO? Just read it, and realize that at least 2/3rds of your life has been a lie. A monster in hand can only be in one of four positions: attack mode, defense mode, face-down defense mode, and missionary. You can even change it from attack to defense mode, or vice versa if you like. This card, however, asks you to pitch two precious cards from your hand to do what amounts to discarding your hand, smiling at your opponent, and tickling your card with one finger and making an annoying squeaking noise with your mouth. Seriously, WTF Konami?
And also, as cool as you think putting your Cyber Dragon in face-down attack mode is, you're in for a little surprise as well. Your opponent already knows what's face-down. So your little masking charade amounted to little more than JACK SQUAT. Even if you tried to be clever and flip a Slate Warrior face down to get the attack boost, he wouldn't receive it until after being flipped and damage calculation. So this card is literally useless unless you like to be one of 'those people' who just has to do something different just because it's different, but ultimately pointless. Psh. More like dorkness approaches.
6. Two-Pronged Attack
Your Black Luster Soldier - Envoy of the Beginning and Chaos Emperor Dragon - Envoy of the End are staring down the shadow of the latest Super Omega Ultratronic Megathousand Synchro LV 20 monster that snotty little shit at the tournament pulled and all the kids are using. You have to act, and you have to act fast. So what do you do? Well maybe, just maybe you decide that instead of simply winning the game instantly with your available resources that you so carefully added to your deck, and skillfully positioned to defend your life points and break down your enemy's defenses, you will instead sacrifice everything to kamikaze your board to finally end that little kid's reign of terror.
COMBINING THE ENERGY OF MY CREATURES, I ACTIVATE TWO-PRONGED ATTACK, DESTROYING MY CREATURES AND DESTROYING YOURS! VICTORY IS ASSURED WHEN YOU MAKE SACRIFICES! NGYYYYGAAH!
You are left with an empty field, and your opponent summons Junk Synchron and you lose. Good game faggot.
5. Fairy Guardian
Sometimes when thinking about this card, I have to wonder if it really was as shitty as I remembered it. I think, "No, it couldn't just work with spells. There is no way it's that bad. No way." But, each year when I dust off my old book of memories I get a disgusting surprise when I read this card's effect. Its shittiness and stench travel through the winds of time, pissing off gamers and environmentalists alike that something so worthless could be made from beautiful life-giving trees and sold at a 10,000% markup from its original cost to spoiled 10 year old dicks who were hoping to get their hands on a shiny new Stardust Dragon.
Fairy Guardian is bad. Pants-shittingly bad. It's scraping a whole new bottom of the barrel than the other cards I've listed so far. The other cards were bad, to be sure, but at least with those you might be able to come out ahead. In 100 games, roughly 15 of those the above cards could help you or at least be used. But this card... This card is not only one of the hardest cards to use. It's also the hardest to get anything out of. Even if you do manage to activate its effect, the chances of being able to utilize the card you 'recovered' are slim to none. Just look at it like this: you need at least one spell card in hand, this monster summoned, and your opponent has to have one reactive S/T destruction card such as Dust Tornado set. Either that or some negation. Then, after you have all that taken care of and your opponent has decided to destroy your set or active continuous spell and you have tributed Fairy Guardian, you STILL have to find a way to get that card to your hand from the bottom of the deck. The only way I can think of would be to use Convulsion of Nature to flip your deck, then use Upstart Goblin to draw it. That's an 18 card combo which assumes your opponent can get your spell destroyed DURING your turn. It's just insane. You're much better off just recovering the spell with something like Magical Stone Excavation or something. And don't say to just use Gold Sarcophogus to grab it either. Because if you have Gold Sarc in your hand, you might as well just grab something useful in the first place. Don't let this fairy guard any of your prized possessions. Because they will just end up coated with shiny feces.
4. Thunder Crash
If you haven't guessed already, it's all downhill from here for card quality. Thunder Crash is a crime against humanity and all that is decent and holy. For the mere price of your field, you can inflict up to 1500 direct damage to your opponent. It's not that sacrificing monsters to inflict burn is bad. Just look at Ring of Destruction. It's amazing and it was banned. It's just the fact that you only get a measley 300 per monster destroyed. This is just horrible. With those monsters you could have defended your life points, summoned a synchro monster, summoned a fusion monster, summoned a ritual monster, destroyed other monsters, destroyed other cards, and much much more. It's trivially easy to inflict 1500 battle damage with one monster, let alone two, three or four. This card is literally useless and a terrible play at any stage of the game. Unless of course your opponent only has 300 lifepoints remaining. But even if that were the case, you'd me so much better off just using Tremendous Fire. Even Sparks is better than this trash.
3. Jigen Bakudan
Ahh, good old Jigen Bakudan. If you're like most people, you remember seeing this card as a kid but never really understanding how it worked or ever using it. And you were right for doing so. Like Thunder Crash above (Thunder Crash still ranks worse than this because it was released relatively recently.) this card has you sacrificing your field to do damage. But get this: it's a flip effect. And it can't be destroyed after it is flipped to get its effect. AND it doesn't even tribute itself. You're being cheated out of a whole 100 damage because of how much this card blows. Let me give you a run down of how bad this card is. Step 1. Have at least 1 other monster summoned. Step 2. Set Jigen Bakudan. Step 3. Have Jigen Bakudan get flipped without being destroyed. (Waboku, Shrink, Hedge Guard) Great. Now you have an empty field and your opponent has a little less life. This card is just so bad because the set up required to make it at least worth it is just far too much. You're looking to invest some 3-4+ cards for some mediocre burn damage. You're better off just using Magic Cylinder or Ceasefire. You'd have to be a baku to use this one, Dan.
2. Tainted Wisdom
If you thought the shitmare was over, you're in for a rude awakening. With only two cards left, you'd better believe I'm about to take you on a journey of fail and regret. Just look at this card. You'd think that a card modeled after a human brain would at least have an interesting effect, right? WELL YOU WERE WRONG! Here we have Tainted Wisdom. A card so bad that it actually doesn't do anything at all. It's so brilliantly useless and non-threatening that you could actually confuse and baffle your opponent just by using it. "He summoned Tainted Wisdom with Mystic Tomato. And I think he's going to put it in defense mode on his turn. What is he trying to do? Is this come kind of combo? Is he going to fuse it into Skull Knight? I'm scared..."
Nobody knows why you would use this card. Or what you could possibly be planning by doing something as innocuous as shuffling your deck. I'm sure you could just ask your opponent at any point in the game if you could just shuffle your deck. And even though it's against the rules, I don't think they would mind. It's like having an effect to randomize the cards in your hand or extra deck. Or move around Scapegoat tokens. At any rate, this is best used to build psychological tension and keep your enemy guessing. Or laughing.
1. Yado Karu
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you by far the worst card in the history of the Yu-Gi-Oh trading card game. Yado Karu. This card is incomprehensibly bad. At no point, under no circumstance, and for no amusmement could you benefit from using this card. You start your game with six cards drawn, and you only get to draw one card per turn. So basically, you're throwing away the cards you've already drawn from your deck back into the hardest place to retrieve them: your deck. It's the equivilant of refusing to draw your opening hand, and instead opting to put a 900 attack monster out there in the open. With even LESS options to protect it. Seriosuly, what in the fuckity fuck? This card is so shitty it is fucking with my spelling. Set this card, and forget it. On fire, preferably.
